Narcissistic abuse rarely begins with shouting or violence. Instead, it’s often a slow
unraveling—an invisible web of tactics designed to keep you confused, controlled, and
dependent. Survivors often say they didn’t realize what was happening until they were too deep
to see clearly. That’s because narcissists follow a predictable playbook of manipulation.
Recognizing these patterns is one of the first steps toward reclaiming your power.
1. Love Bombing
At first, they sweep you off your feet with affection, attention, and promises of forever. It feels
intoxicating—like you’ve finally found “the one.” But this isn’t real love. It’s bait, meant to hook
you before the mask slips.
2. Gaslighting
They twist reality until you no longer trust your own memory or perception. “That never
happened,” “You’re too sensitive,” or “You’re imagining things” become constant refrains. Over
time, you stop believing yourself and start relying on their version of the truth.
3. Triangulation
Narcissists pit people against each other to maintain control. They might compare you to an ex,
flirt with someone else to make you jealous, or confide in another person about “how difficult you
are.” It keeps you off balance and desperate to win their approval.
4. Silent Treatment
Instead of addressing conflict, they withdraw completely—ignoring calls, shutting down
conversations, or icing you out emotionally. This isn’t about cooling off; it’s about punishing you
until you submit.
5. Projection
When they accuse you of things you’ve never done—cheating, lying, being selfish—it’s often a
reflection of their own behavior. Projection keeps you on the defensive, while they avoid
accountability.
6. Blame-Shifting
No matter what happens, it’s somehow your fault. They lash out, then say you “made them do
it.” The more you take responsibility, the less they ever have to.
7. Intermittent Reinforcement
This is one of the most powerful tactics. Just when you’re ready to give up, they sprinkle in
kindness or affection. That tiny glimpse of the “person you fell in love with” keeps you hooked,
hoping they’ll change.
8. Smear Campaigns
If you start pulling away, they work to destroy your reputation. Friends, family, even coworkers
may hear lies about you. The goal is to isolate you further and make others question your
credibility.
9. Hoovering
After a breakup—or even after a fight—they try to pull you back in. They may apologize, cry, or
make big promises: “I’ll never hurt you again.” But this is never about change—it’s about
reestablishing control.
10. Control Disguised as Care
They might frame their control as “concern”: “I just don’t want you hanging out with that friend,”
or “I’m only checking your phone because I care.” But healthy love doesn’t cage you—it
supports your freedom.
Why It Matters
These tactics are all about one thing: control. The narcissist’s playbook isn’t unique—it’s
calculated, predictable, and devastatingly effective. By recognizing these patterns, you begin to
break the illusion that kept you trapped.
How Fiction Reveals the Playbook
In The Illusion of Us, Alivia experiences many of these tactics without realizing she’s living
inside a script countless women know too well. What feels personal is actually a pattern,
repeated in relationship after relationship. That’s what makes it so dangerous—and why stories
like hers matter.
Final Thoughts
The narcissist’s playbook thrives in silence and confusion. But once you see the patterns, you
can’t unsee them. And with clarity comes power—the power to step out of the game entirely.
If you recognize these tactics in your own life, please remember: you’re not alone, you’re not
crazy, and you don’t have to keep playing by their rules.