Of all the tactics used in narcissistic abuse, gaslighting may be the most devastating—because
it doesn’t just confuse you in the moment, it erodes the very foundation of who you are: your
ability to trust yourself.
If you’ve ever second-guessed your own memory, wondered if you were “overreacting,” or
apologized for things you didn’t do, chances are you’ve been gaslit. And once you understand
how it works, you’ll start to see just how destructive it really is.
What Is Gaslighting?
Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation where the abuser makes you question your
own reality. The term comes from the 1944 film Gaslight, in which a husband dims the lights and
denies it when his wife notices—eventually making her believe she’s losing her mind.
In relationships, it looks like:
● Denial: “That never happened. You’re imagining things.”
● Minimizing: “You’re too sensitive. It was just a joke.”
● Blame-shifting: “I wouldn’t have acted that way if you hadn’t pushed me.”
The goal is always the same: to make you doubt yourself so they can stay in control.
How Gaslighting Works
At first, you may push back. You know you remember what was said, you know how it made you
feel. But over time, repeated denial and minimization wear you down. You stop arguing because
it seems pointless, and eventually you start questioning your own mind.
This is the power of gaslighting: it makes you rely on the abuser’s version of reality instead of
your own.
The Effects of Gaslighting
The longer you’re gaslit, the more damage it does:
● Eroded confidence: You stop trusting your instincts.
● Constant self-doubt: You replay conversations in your head, wondering if you “got it
wrong.”
● Anxiety and confusion: You feel on edge, never sure what’s real anymore.
● Isolation: Because you doubt yourself, you stop opening up to others, fearing they won’t
believe you either.
Gaslighting doesn’t just distort your memory of events—it undermines your entire sense of self.
Breaking Free From Gaslighting
The first step to breaking free is naming it. Once you can say, “This is gaslighting,” you begin
reclaiming your power. Some steps to start:
● Keep a journal: Write down events as they happen so you have proof of your reality.
● Trust your body: Even if words confuse you, your gut knows when something feels
wrong.
● Seek validation: Talk to trusted friends, a therapist, or support groups who can confirm
what you’re experiencing.
● Set boundaries: The more you distance yourself from the abuser’s words, the stronger
your voice becomes.
How It Shows Up in The Illusion of Us
In The Illusion of Us, Alivia doesn’t recognize gaslighting at first. She believes her husband’s
words over her own instincts, even when everything inside her is screaming otherwise. That’s
the insidious nature of gaslighting: it convinces you the problem isn’t real—until you’re too
tangled to see the truth clearly.